littlest_one923

i just looked at my phone background, which is a funny little picture of the man we all know and love: Mr. Alex Ely and i just thought i'd say, i miss him. lol. though sarah was and is mo def his favorite. also a little sidenote here, i want to write a song. just thought i'd throw that out there, feel free to comment lol. it just sounds. . .well, fun.

so yea what did i do tonight u ask? well i watched team america, fuck yea! oh good movie and sarah is a great Kim Jong Ill (sp?). it was a fun time cause i love sar and stank, they make me smile, which is always fun. sar made fun of me cause i said "this and that" about 10 million times and so i must expand i vocabulary, immediately. what else has happened. . .oh AP results, eh big thumbs down, didn't do as well as i wanted, but thats my own damn fault. . .i just didn't care that much. hehe oh well, no use crying over spilled milk. oh i also know that i want to go see the new movie with Reese Witherspoon, cause it looks like an awesome lil romantic comedy. so if ur up for it soon as it comes out, shout me a holla. (i should be banned from using commas). not much else, college is scary don't want to think about it, yet i do. its a weird feeling pretty much. OH! i forgot to mention that i read HP6 and i loved! i am on my second time 'round and its just delightful (new word :-P). i love harry and wish i could marry the little bugger, not so much but u catch my drift. the story made me cry, however, and i just anticipate 7 all that much more. it really was just wonderful and i highly recommend. JK is a Godsend.

i'm not quite sure why i like this thing so much, i guess its kind of like me talking to ppl without really doing it, u know? who knows with me? i'm nuts lol. i think i've found some degree of peace in my mullings today, and i'm sure i will find more as i continue to think. i had a conversation with myself (yes i know, quite abnormal but what can i say) and i realize that i'm just me and thats okay, actually its great, cause me isn't so bad. its time to grow up, i think i've been so worried in how i come across that i lost me but i want me back now. see thats the funny thing about revelations, they just hit you. my whole thing is that i think i'm finally proud of myself and i think everybody should be, its an important component to happiness. instead of looking at where i am and what i've done, i beat myself up for what i didn't do, where i wasn't. an attitude like that infects your relationships, because u are not satisfied with yourself, u think no one else is either, but thats not usually the case. well i'm ready to be me again, i like her, shes fun. i don't care if ppl think i'm loony or crazy, oh well, so i am. at least i have fun while being so. its funny cause i think this is growing up, i'm growing up and i expect i'll do some more, because i have a lot of that ahead of me. i know i have flaws, i have lots and some of them hurt ppl sometimes and for that i'm sorry. but all of those traits, even the bad ones, make me, well me. unfortunately its a package deal, growing up isn't cutting away what u think is bad about urself to replace it with what u think is good, growing up is becoming comfortable with who u are and gaining knowledge through experience. i think its through accepting urself that u can finally head down the road of betterment. see that was something i misunderstood. i thought u constantly had to refine urself, disposing of what u thought was undesirable about urself, of course this was according to societies terms. but what are flaws really but defining characteristics which make u unique. i don't want to be like everybody else. i want to be me, completely and 100% nuts. lets throw a lil psycho in there too lol. my one big thing is being over-emotional. . .its my bane, u know, like every Greek hero has one thing that becomes his downfall: achilles and the heel ( can't think of any others off top of my head) but u get the point. well mine is being over-emotional, but on the flip side, that trait/ flaw /virtue/ whatever u want to call it can also be my saving grace. yes i worry alot, yes i flip out and get angry; all bad but i also get really excited and happy and goofy, which is fun. i laugh loud and a lot, i smile and sing and dance and that makes me happy. i'm working on the worrying and the anger, but though i may tone it down, its always going to be heightened cause thats me! in all my beauty and all my ugly. thing is i have to accept the good and the bad about myself before anyone else can. i'm not saying that i'm gonna go around biting ppl's heads off because "its me," i do know i have to work on things, the difference is that i'm not going to be ashamed that i have to work on those things. its part of life, wonderful life. what else can i say? not much really, but i think i might lay off this little guy for a while after this. well good night, i love u all so lots of kisses and hugs.

so well in light of the last entry and reading some old ones, i suppose i have come to the conclusion that yes i am a little more moody and pensive than i used to be. so its time for a change and from now on i am going to try and be chipper to the point of insanity! lol. i get to thinking sometimes and lose what important, harping on what i think are injustices. life's really not so bad after all, is it?

so yes not too much really going on. doing all my drexel stuff, blah. although i soon find out my room. yay! i so want to be in East because jen said its pimped out, and she'll be my roomie. its all kind of exciting cause i feel all growed up, sort of :-/ hahaha i'll never grow up, i still make obscene sixth grade jokes. like this one "hey, why do women have boobs? so ya got something to look at while your talking to them" (yes i am not above quoting family guy, cause its a great show"). u know what speaking of family guy, it reminds me how much i miss germ and steph. i really want to spend some quality time with those two crazy kids. so guys, if you read this, shout me a holla. ugh and pauly shore is coming out with a new show? that guy should just quit while he is ahead. that's all i have to say on that subject.

today i went to the pool and like a nerd i read while attempting (key word here) to get a tan with my ridiculous irish skin and guess what, despite the gallons of lotion i put on, i think i got burnt a bit. my skin really hates me lately, and i try to be so nice to it too. stupid jerk! it hates me so much that i got sun poisoning while on senior week, egads that hurt like a mofo. however, it didn't prevent me from having a good time. good times, good times.

ha i read the funniest thing today and i seriously hope its a joke. well drexel has this chat thingy set up called future dragons and since i signed up for it i get emails that show the most recent messages. its usually just a bunch of people describing themselves or asking questions about admissions and the like. well this girl, and god forbid she ever read this, said her name was Anita Dong. well i lost it right about there. i must seek friendship with her because that has to be the single best name ever. oh man, i have tears over that one. just thought i'd share that tidbit because it def brightened up my day.
well thats about it for tonight. can't really think of much else to write. so *muah* to you all.

did ya miss me? i know its been a really long time since i last updated, but i'm back for more. seems like i have that problem, i apparently can't let go, even in regard to my precious journal. right now i have to be the most confused person on Planet Earth. i just don't get people anymore or what i do that is so terrible. i can understand people not liking me, comes with the territory of being a human, there is always someone you won't get a long with. but what i don't get is how someone can hate me when i don't know what i've done. but though i am troubled by this, its okay. its mostly just curiosity anymore and a kind of "i wish things were different" feeling. what really has been weighing on me recently is how i keep being told that i've changed, and it seems they don't mean for the good. i'm being told that i need to relax and just be myself, but i thought i was. its not like i've been upset recently, i've been having fun, so isn't that being me? and even if i were to be upset, does that necessarily mean i am not michele? because god forbid i not be sunshine every moment of every day. if i haven't intentionally changed anything about myself, how then am i trying to conform? i just don't understand. and of course when i am told these things i become more self-conscious about my actions, therefore the result is the complete opposite of the desired one. i haven't been troubled lately by anything really, i've just kind of gone with the flow since the end of the year, so how can i become anymore light-hearted? honestly, i just want to be accepted. no i don't want to conform in order to do that though, i do want to be myself. i personally think i am unique and haven't lost the major components of what makes who i am. i was proud of who i've become, shouldn't i be? or have i become someone that i should be ashamed of? i just don't know anymore, but i guess i'm getting too dramatic over it all. i need to stop worrying and be comfortable with myself, but thats very difficult when the person i trust most doesn't seem to like who i am and thinks i should work on certain things. its true we all need to work on ourselves, thats the general point of life isn't it? to better oneself whether through knowledge or self-discovery. however, we also need to support one another and not criticize the hell out of each other so that one constantly feels guilty about their every move. which is kind of what happens to me. well thats about enough of that, though i feel considerably better now.

a lot of things have gone on since last entry, from leading retreat to graduation to senior week. all loads of fun but with a hint of saddness because they are signature landmarks signaling the end of another chapter in my life: high school. i'm scared and excited for what awaits me next, but i have the confidence in myself that i will find a way to thrive and grow. i am blessed to be able to continue my education and have so many opportunities at my feet. in reality i am blessed for a lot more than that, and maybe i don't acknowledge that often enough, but believe me i still know it. i loved my time at Prendie, every bittersweet moment and the girls i grew with have affected me in ways unimaginable. so many beautiful, strong women assembled together in once place is a feat worthy of recognition. well i am going to continue with my book, maybe i'll be back later. :-P we'll see. haha goodbye ma dears and have a wonderful day. and never let anyone make u feel inferior or lacking, because dammit u are an awesome individual and i mean that with all my heart.

wow so i haven't updated in a while. a lot has gone on but i'll only touch on the important things, like leading retreat in April!!! i'm so excited and yet so nervous. i really have so much work to do for it and its only 2 weeks away, i don't know what i'm going to do. but i've got great leaders with me so i know everything will turn out great.

today is absolutely gorgeous, the weather recently has been awesome. . . so why am i so depressed? i don't know, maybe its because this week has consisted of nonstop work but i just don't feel so well. doing all my retreat stuff, i've had to analyze many things and it just seems like in the most strenuous four years of my life, i've accomplished nothing. i can sit here and say "sure i have many friends" but on the otherhand, i can say i really don't have many at all. it all depends on the definition i guess, few ppl talk to me outside of school and even fewer actually see me outside of school. i know it is my fault, maybe i should've focused on people more in high school as opposed to schoolwork, but schoolwork is the only thing i'm good at, and i'm not even that good. i just keep thinking about how many people have inspired me and i wonder why i don't inspire anyone else. its sucks to need and to not be needed in return, i want to do for others what they have done for me. thats one of the main reasons i wanted to lead encounter, because i had such a great experience. i'm just afraid because i imagine going to school next year where nothing i did will mean anything, and no one will even keep contact with me but they will with each other. people will say they will keep in touch but if they hardly talk to me now, i don't see how distance will help the situation. i think maybe i just have a complex or something, and its not other people but me who does this. i don't know anymore, i just shove everything to the back of my mind until finally it needs to find an outlet and usually this journal becomes that.

i've been listening to my Riverdance, Lord of the Dance, and Feet of Flames soundtracks lately, maybe because of the weather, i don't know but it has made me miss dancing that much more. i miss all the girls and really want to go see them, but most especially i miss reg. she is such a beautiful person and i hope to get together with her soon, i've just been so busy, and i think she is too. but we will, if not before then definitely this summer. we can reminisce about dance camp and all that fun stuff, great times.

i just hate feeling depressed and sick and tired all at the same time. enough is enough, for four years i've felt like i've been in a war, physically, mentally, and emotionally, just to keep my head above water and do what i thought needed to be done so as to secure my future. i've had lots of fun but few meaningful things have i been involved in, the things people will actually remember. in ten years vey few of my friends now will remember me, but i guess thats the way it goes. all we can do is live in the here and now and not dwell on what will come to pass.

well its about that time for me to go to nova. hopefully later i'll be in a better mood and will update. i can't wait to walk outside, its so beautiful. i also need to get coffee so that my sociology prof doesn't insult me or my intelligence again. ugh, well i'll update later, don't mind me and my venting, it really is nothing. ta-ta

well it's over kids, the last high school production for the class of '05 has come to an end. i must say its been absolutely awesome ride, guys and girls! I love every single play kid, old and new, but most especially the seniors. I think that Grease was an great show to end with, i personally had so much fun and its wonderful how much new talent was able to come in and shake things up, i just wish they had come in sooner.

senior roses was incredible, the juniors did such an amazing job. i'll miss my daughter and son like whoa. i have to watch the dvd again though to get the full effect but man, they really put together such a wonderful presentation and showed us how much they love us and will miss us. my letters made me cry of course, because i'm a big baby. I <3 YOU ALL!!!!! then last night (or rather this morning) was a cast party for us seniors and i think our parents did a wonderful job. we have such cute gifts from that too! the music kind of sucked considering they did NOT PLAY LIVIN' ON A PRAYER. that was rather upseting but hey, its all good we've got the memories and thats really what counts (God, i'm a corn ball aren't I??). so after that it was over amy's to sleep over and i had such a fun time, it was crazy and may i just say that i think nick papougenis (sp? i'm too lazy to go and look it up) is one of the funniest people i've ever met. i luv everyone there though they are hysterical, incredible people and it was a great way to end the night. we got very little sleep but i crashed on the floor next to my bestest so i was pretty much set. last night makes me just anticipate the bonner prom so much more, i can't wait! and now that my sarah hams is going, the mountain is going to be better than ever. so anyway, it was a great night to end a great four years (well 3 years of performance for me, but same thing). thanx so much to amy for having us over, she really is such a sweetheart, and really talented too. so thats about it, i am so happy that i got involved in the shows because some of the best times and best friendships i've experienced were a result of the plays. unforgettable memories and even more unforgettable people! now to leave you all with the song that has come to embody Bonner and Prendie Theater:

"Livin' On A Prayer"

Once upon a time
Not so long ago

Tommy used to work on the docks
Union’s been on strike
He’s down on his luck...it’s tough, so tough
Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love - for love

She says we’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
’cause it doesn’t make a difference
If we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot
For love - we’ll give it a shot

Whooah, we’re half way there
Livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand and we’ll make it - I swear
Livin’ on a prayer

Tommy’s got his six string in hock
Now he’s holding in what he used
To make it talk - so tough, it’s tough
Gina dreams of running away
When she cries in the night
Tommy whispers baby it’s okay, someday

We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
’cause it doesn’t make a difference
If we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot
For love - we’ll give it a shot

Whooah, we’re half way there
Livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand and we’ll make it - I swear
Livin’ on a prayer

We’ve got to hold on ready or not
You live for the fight when it’s all that you’ve got

Whooah, we’re half way there
Livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand and we’ll make it - I swear
Livin’ on a prayer

yeah so i am writing cause today was a rather rough day and i need to write. i don't know i'm just so sick of it all, but everything is going to be okay, i just have to keep my chin up and not let is get me down. all that's important is that i'm loved, and i was reminded tonight that i am and i received an apology of sorts, so everything is ok, right? hopefully, i just get scared, i'm really just a big baby. i've tried to be strong, but things don't usually turn out that way because i'm crazy. pray for me please, that everything works out. i need a little extra help in calming myself down and looking to the positive. i guess i just want reassurance that something i cherish dearly won't be lost and will work out the way i hope it will (as long as its meant to). it's difficult to believe that a situation will end well when you are in the throws of an emotional decline. but like i said, i was told that i was loved dearly and that's all we really need, love. i think if you have that and know it, you can master any problem, its just a matter of faith.

oh i realized something strange about myself tonight too, and other people will have to either back this up or disprove it because i'm not sure if i'm right. anyway i think i do this thing where i tend to look objectively at a situation, even if i'm involved. i'll consider everything as if i'm on the outside looking in and will assume this analytical persona, and i do this unconsciously. it is rather a weird characteristic and i don't know if i like it. i mean it will probably be beneficial for my profession but in terms of personal relationships, i think it makes me look like a know-it-all. that's a definite problem, because i don't think i am superior to anyone, in fact i constantly find myself lacking. it has only been this year that i've felt relatively comfortable in my own skin. all in all, my conclusion is that i must continue to work on my overreacting and keeping my opinions to myself. hopefully i'll get to be the person i aspire to be, someone like the beautiful and amazing people many of my friends are.

so further updates are that english class has replaced bio as the new bane of my existence. there is so much to do and everyone is stressing out. it really is too much, we have lives outside of school and this time of senior year is the worst to be stressed out. everyone is making their final decisions for next year and preparing for ap tests and the such, plus we still have another weekend of the show. it really is getting to be quite a task juggling everything. i just keep telling myself that soon this year will be over and there will be no more rushing around trying to get from here to there and back again. i plan on enjoying college, don't get me wrong i plan to work my butt off, but i want to have fun too. i'm excited and grieved because of the distance from my friends. i want to keep in contact with them because they have all come to mean so much to me. i don't know what i would do without them, especially those i call my bests. i wish all of prendie's senior class would keep in contact, but i know that is far-fetched. i at least will do what i can to remain in correspondence with those i love.

i've never been one for destiny really. i believe that there is a general layout for what can happen insofar as there are certain opportunities that arise, but it is all on you to take advantage of those opportunities. so i suppose that's so of a combination of the predetermined and complete autonomy. it is freewill with a twist. however, i don't think that it necessarily some higher power either that dictates those opportunities i mentioned. maybe such a deity sets your life in motion, but as you progress it is those around you who bring to you new chances to take and choices to make. thereby, the deity (whether you wish to call it God or some another invocation) becomes a source of inspiration and comfort but who doesn't physically intervene. well thats quite enough of that now before i get really carried away. i need to resume my studies immediately before i waste some more time talking about things no one want to hear about. i'm really quite incoherent aren't i? lol. i'm sorry, most likely i confuse everyone because all i do it constantly jump from one topic to another without making much sense. "stop and think it through chell, don't just run your mouth because you have the gift of speech." anywho, i must be going but i'll leave everyone with a song, one that brings back many memories of more carefree times. not that i regret the here and now, but its nice to reminisce. good night and i hope everyone has a wonderful day tomorrow. ta-ta


"Somewhere Out There"
Last time I talked to you
You were lonely and out of place
You were looking down on me
Lost out in space
We laid underneath the stars
Strung out and feeling brave
I watched the red orange glow
I watched you float away

Down here in the atmosphere
Garbage and city lights
You've gone to save your tired soul
You've gone to save our lives
I turned on the radio
To find you on satellite
I’m waiting for this sky to fall
I’m waiting for a sign

All we are
Is all so far

You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there

Hope you remember me
When you're home sick
and need a change
I miss your purple hair
I miss the way you taste
I know you'll come back someday
On a bed of nails I’ll wait
I’m praying that you don’t burn out
Or fade away

All we are
Is all so far

You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there

You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there

You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling back to me
I know
I know
You're falling out of reach
I know

thought i'd update for the hell of it. had an awesome day today, everythings good. right now i'm on a brand new kick so i'll leave you all with one of their songs. oh and steph humes is so absolutely hott, got to see her dorm today. i <3 her!!!

"Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades"

Keep the noise low.
She doesn't wanna blow it.
Shaking head to toe
while your left hand does "the show me around."
Quickens your heartbeat.
It beats me straight into the ground.

You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets
barely whisper, "This is so messed up."

Upon arrival the guests had all stared.
Dripping wet and clearly depressed,
he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch,
unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

He keeps his hands low.
He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe and
his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up.
But the body on the bed beckons forward
and he starts growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe
you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed
but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

She hits the lights.
This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends,
he doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth.
He's gasping for air.
"This is the first and last time," he says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her
exactly what it really feels like.

He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her.
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her,
but she's probably only looking for...

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

So much more than he could ever give.
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He waits for it to end
and for the aching in his guts to subside.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe
you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed
but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe
you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed
but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

(haha how awesome is this icon!!! i love my foxy friend)

i thought right now was a good time to update because i am extremely bored and in a relatively neutral mood. right now the girls are on Retreat and i am so excited for them. i hope they all have a blast and i will be surely praying for them. but that's enough of that before i give something i'm not supposed to away.

things are alright right now. some things i'm not particularly happy with but hey, i'll get over it. i've learned this year to take every punch and just remind yourself that its only temporary. i worry way too much, it's giving me premature wrinkles. lol. not that i care but its the principle. i'm young, i shouldn't have so much anxiety (and neither should many of my friends lol). but we can't help it, there is just so much to do and to stress about. plus it doesn't help that we are women. however, i love my friends and the strength they exhibit, i want to try and be more like them.

i need to stop thinking about only myself and my problems. i've been so hung up on that, that i feel i am forgetting those around me. but i just don't know what to do anymore. i hate not having the answers, let alone a clue. everything i've done, though i thought it was the right thing to do, has turned out poorly. i guess i'm just horrible at making decisions and trying to make things better. should i stop trying altogether? arg, i get so frustrated and angry at myself. thats why it is good that i write in here though, because i'd never forgive myself if i hurt someone i love because i took my anger out on them. well i guess there really isn't anything to update about.

oh except jen and steve are so adorable, they really seem to have fun together. its good to see that kind of thing, two people who just have fun being in each other's company, gives me hope that i'll have that again. well that's about it. i hope all the girls have a good night tonite and especially tomorrow night. ta-ta *muah*

i thought this was cute so i put it in here. tomorrow i'll go around and do it in other ppl's, right now i'm too tired. sorry guy's i luv yas though. ta-ta

Leave me an anonymous comment with:

One secret.

One compliment.

One love note.

Lyrics to a song.

How old you are.

How long we've been friends. (if we are)

And a hint to who you are.

Then post this in your journal

so yea its 5:20 and i can't sleep at all. i tried to and it just wasn't happening. i feel physically and emotionally drained though, its kind of like being a zombie. i'm a little down right so now so forgive if this entry isn't upbeat and chipper. i'm sorry i just don't have the energy for that right now. i can't wait to graduate, can't wait to move on. can't wait to find someone who appreciates what they have. hopefully i will. why is this year such a roller coaster, i want to get off now. when things are good, they're good but when they're not. well let's just say i'm not in the best of mind. ugh so much self-pity it makes me sick, literally. i just feel hopeless right now, dejected. it'll pass, i know and its not even a justified feeling, but its there all the same. sometimes u can't help how u feel, if u fully know u have no reason to feel that way, u really can't fight it. i don't feel well right now, i feel ill and tired. i guess when it gets this late and u've had a bad night thats the way u feel. i miss sophmore year, i wish i could do it over and make it a better one. but whats in the past is in the past. i accept it, have learned from it and have grown (at least i hope i have). i'm really quite lonely, haven't been out in a while, feel kind of cut off. a few people i really care about have pushed me to the back. makes me feel really bad, guess they are just too preoccupied but still, hurts all the same. i realize i'm not making much sense right now. maybe i'll try going back to bed. i don't know. its one of those nights where u don't feel like doing much of anything. i just tell myself tomorrow will be better, and hopefully it will be. i don't know where i am going next year but at this point anywhere is good. i need to get out of Prendie. i love all the girls, especially my friends but i feel a little claustraphobic in there. i wrote in my journal, both of them now and it has made me feel better. it still amazes me what writing does for me. i've gotten in trouble for things written in this journal but u kno i don't care. at that time i needed it and i didn't do it for them, i did it for me. like i said hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day. good night.

I <3 Jess Enright!

well i'm starting to get very lazy and easily distracted. this is not good. Must get back on track, Chell. i thought i'd just give a quick update because i don't like letting this thing go for too long. i don't know i feel some responsibility to keep my journal updated, i mean the lil guy has been here for me many times, least i can do.

so things are going well just mostly focusing on school work but what else is new when u go to Prendie. everyone is busy makin a fuss about prom. kind of has me a lil scared b/c i don't have a dress or date yet or anything and i need to get on that i guess. i have someone in mind and i'm pretty sure he knows it so hopefully i'll get to go w/ him.

also i've started a myspace and added loads of friends and all kinds of good stuff. its so cute, i love myspace. but i noticed one thing tonite. my good friend is no longer single, which is awesome i am so happy for him. but he's kind of forgotten about me and that hurts a bit cause i really luv him and think he totally rocks! i mean i had to find out he had a g/f through stuff online, he didn't tell me directly. its weird, its kind of like everything that passed between us never happened and i don't like that. i want to meet his g/f and hang out with them, she seems like a pretty awesome girl. but i guess thats the way it is. i can't blame him, i know what its like to kind of be wrapped up in your significant other.i just miss him is all. but i'm so glad he's happy since he had a rough time. i luv the kid to death.

anyways, like i said life's good and everyone should go see Grease at Monsignor Bonner. lol. its oodles of fun. thats about it for tonite. i must resume my work now, ta-ta.

alritey i'm going to try and make this quick because i have to leave for the hellhole aka work in a few.

so today was Valentime's Day (ah that crazy mrs. santry). it was cute, the boys sent over roses so girls were swooning all over the building. i was just talking to siobhan who got like 50 million flowers today, that brat. lol, i'm happy for her its so cute. e-roc told me what he and scooter did for each other, decorating lockers and bringing lunch (and they go to diff schools!!!!), so adorable. anyway in other news, the most random thing happened in homeroom to poor Rose ma dear. A huge spider was on her desk, girls were flippin out. thank god it wasn't my desk, i wouldn't have been able to sit down all day. luckily mrs. dickerson was able to kill the bugger, but he was gimungous (ha mung!).

so i'm on an incubus kick right now and have pulled out all my cds of theirs. good stuff i tell ya, i love those boys, though a crow left of the murder is a little dark. i like it and everything, its just a bit gloomy. well i must be off to larbor my ass all nite so that i can get home late and try and do homework. oh i can't wait. talk to yas later, *muah*

since we are experiencing problems gettin our dsl running, I am composing this in the lovely Prendie library. I was thinking last nite and came to many revelations that I had to write. this really isn't that good of a read, it is more of a way for me to get something out, a vent I guess. Its one of those things you can't hold back because of the emotion behind it, you know? Something you don't feel comfortable specifically saying to anyone because things will get lost in the translation, something that is better delivered in writing, where the thoughts are more coherent.

I encourage everyone to take a look around them and at the people they love and who love them. Tell them you love them and please don't ignore what they mean to you. I know its difficult because we get so caught up in our daily routine and the stress we can undergo is immense, but take some time out to remember those who are by your side. Those who are by mine have the most strength and patience I've ever seen, just for being able to put up with my "shit." I could campaign for not giving people the respect and acknowledgement they deserve, and I am sorry I do that. I don't feel sorry for myself, just sorry that I don't always take my friends into consideration. I've come to realize how much certain people have affected my life for the better. I have learned so much over these four years because of the contact I have had with these incredible people. It doesn't matter what quarrels we've had or differences that lie between, when it comes down to it, I have been changed and I can't thank them enough. I am more content with myself then I have ever been and its not because of me, but because of the people around me. Their influence has helped me grow and become better, more of the person I want to be.

well I suppose that is enough life analysis for today. I just needed to get that out and to thank those who are with me (especially the one person I wrote about). I have so many honest and true friends who are going places. Especially the women, these girls have the courage and talent to be anything they desire, it amazes me everyday to see them work for their dreams. But don't think I short change the men, lol. I just don't get to see them as often, but I know many of these boys will achieve their goals. There are a few I can think of who will definitely become great and who I am glad I know now because it may help me later on in life when they are superior positions at their firm or saving lives as doctors or some such nonsense, lol. i must be going but I will update shortly as this was a rather specialized update and was more for myself than my readers (sorry guys, please don't take offense, i will do something nice for the few of u out there). This entry was for all the friendships past and present that every one of us has experienced and it was to commemorate the people who continue to be our extended family in so many ways.

hey! well i said i was going to create a random entry because usually writing in my journal is just a way to vent pent up frustration (i can't help it ppl.lol). anyway so i thought i'd like to put one of those lil survey thingys in here cause i think their neat.
but first i think i'll sum up my w/e, cause i think it was a rather nice one. thurday nite i went out with jen and megs on a random nite that was extremely fun. we went to the bookstore just for something to do, then casey's for food and then to the lovely Rosie Kelly's house. and speaking of Rosie, is there anyone more amazing, i mean just look at her journal. that girl has a huge heart and is absolutely wonderful, i kno i love her! anyway we all had good fun just chatting and whatnot, so it was a very lovely nite. fri nite, i went out w/ antman, jon, and dan to nifty's and then back to dan's to play scrabble which was very amusing because we bent all sorts of rules and came up with some hysterical word combinations. so that was also a very well spent nite. this morning i went over neave's to do our english project w/ aurora and marquita and later mags who came to help w/ video-taping. it was quite fun because we had a nice time joking around and being quite silly as girls can get. but luckily we also got our work done, i just feel bad because i had to leave early for work. but i know those girls are highly intelligent and will put everything together smashingly.i then went to work which rather sucked but at least i was at Guest Services, where time passes much more quickly. i want to try and get some work done too cause the pile is getting rather ridiculous as is my laziness. so there sums up my w/e, if anything of great import happens tomorrow (which is highly unlikely), i will be sure to return for an update. lol. now to the survey (what the hell do u call it??) thing which i stole from siobhan (whom i hope is enjoying her snowball dance(:= ).

A is for age: 17
B is for booze: flavored stuff though i have lil experience
C is for career: student/target cashier
D is for dad's name: frank
E is for essential thing to bring to a party: myself (yea baby!)
F is for favorite song at the moment: for good- Wicked the Musical
G is for girlfriend: oh i have like 50 cause i'm a P-I-M-P! HA
H is for hometown: glenolden
I is for instruments you play: tryin to pick up my sis's clarinet (tryin is the key word here)
J is for jam/jelly you like: eh not a fan but i guess grapey (ha neave)
K is for kids: none so far but someday i hope
L is for living arrangements: rite now w/ the rents but soon it'll be a dorm
M is for mom's name: theresa
N is for name of your best friend(s): hmm thats a toughy, i have a lot of close friends but i don't know if i can single out a few, i guess: dan, sar, neave, siobhan, e-roc, rosemarie, jennish, megs, steph, germ, etc
O is for overnight hospital stays: none, that i remember anyway
P is for phobias: spiders (its more of a complete loathing than a fear) and failing
Q is for quote you like: "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
R is for relationship that lasted longest: 1 year and 8 months
S is for sexual position: missionary (cause i just think the concept is hysterical)
T is for time you wake up: usually about 6:15 ish on school days and w/e whenever
U is for unique trait: being mediocre at almost everything. lol
V is for vegetable you love: potatoes or celery
W is for worst trait: being "overly sensitive" and i have a bit of a temper
*the answer to X if there was one would be xylophone*
Y is for yummy food you make: all kinds but my favorite is baking
Z is for zodiac sign: i'm on the virgo/libra cusp

FIRSTS..
First job: does babysitting count? if not then it was a summer job at my mom's work
First screen name: guggi11 or something strange like that (it was the nickname my sis gave me when she was a baby, we still don't know why)
First funeral: altar serving but one that i attended was a close friend's grandfather's
First pet: thunder and snowy (our two cats when i still lived at my grandparents')
First piercing: my ears when i was about one and 1/2
First tattoo: none and don't plan on it cause it just looks gross when u get all wrinkly
First credit card: my commerce atm card if that counts
First kiss: i think there was one when i was lil that i can't remember but otherwise it was dan
First enemy: a girl, i think natalie, in kindergarten (we both liked the same boy and i was sssooo cuter. lol)
First favorite musician: pry something stupid like Wham! or Michael Jackson

LASTS..
Last car ride: coming home from work all by my lonesome
Last kiss: no comment =:)
Last movie watched: ferris bueller's day off
Last beverage drank: milk
Last food consumed: thin mints (hurrah for girl scouts)
Last phone call: dan
Last time showered: this morning
Last CD played: some mix cd i made
Last website visited: www.livejournal.com

NOW..
Single or Taken: single
Sex: female
Birthday: september 23, 1987
Sign: virgo/ libra (see letter z)
Siblings: jamie lynn (11) and joshua william (8)
Hair color: eh. . .medium brown?
Eye color: "weird ass blue/green" which i happen to like, thanx very much
Shoe size: 4-5, it all depends on the shoes
Height: 4'11-5'0 (yes i'm that tiny)

RIGHT NOW, WHAT ARE YOU..
Wearing: absolutely nothing. . .nah i kid. black tank and my black dance jacket w/ my mchugh pj pants (wow very dancey tonite, i had not realized)
Drinking: nothing
Thinking about: issues
Watching: the computer screen
Listening to: (lemme pick a good song) how about: underoath- reinventing your exit (good enough???)

well i guess thats about it kids. have a good nite, maybe i'll post later. i kno u all wait for the next w/ bated breath. lol. ta-ta

well i decided to update cause tonite seems a good time for venting. thats pretty much the only time i have the desire to write. lol. anyway, a bit has gone on since i last updated. the best and most memorable thing was by far Encounter Retreat. i had an absolutely awesome time and many things were resolved and brought to light, i can give out many details though because there are some ppl who have not yet gone and can't know. but i'll just conclude that it was something i will remember always and the things i learned enable me to have a more positive view and to be aware of the fact that things are better than they seem and that God is with you. sounds cheesy and cliche, i know, but when u actually experience that kind of security and confidence in yourself, no words can express it.

i am happy to say that i think i got a lot out of my retreat and that i realized i really needed something like that to be reminded of who i am and what i can do. its a good feeling to be reminded that you are loved.

another thing of great excitement for me was receiving the letter from St. Joes that said i had received their Presidential Scholarship of $68,000. This definitely took a lot of stress off me because even though i'm not sure whether i will go there yet or not, its a relief to have that option and the financial security. one less worry is always a welcome thing. its a difficult time though, growing up and making decisions about your future. i'll never be fully comfortable with how fast the time went and how uneccessary situations could have been avoided or fixed instead of wasting what time we have. but its too late and regret is not something we should put much thought into. i look forward to what i can do in the here and now, or further in the future. i don't like to dwell in the past and i don't believe we should let what happened then influence our lives now. things change, people change, and i think if everyone was a little more accepting of that rather than hung up of what did happen, then life would be a little easier. i don't know, i felt like i have too much hope then is good for me. sometimes hopes are shattered, dreams crushed, but still i will continue to hope and dream. pain isn't something i like but i'll live through it and deal with it because i know in the end i will be stronger, even if i don't get the result i want. there is a reason behind it all and i feel that if u fought as hard as u could and still it slipped from ur grasp, then its not because u are a failure, u gave it ur best shot, but because of something out of ur control. all u can do then is pray it eventually comes to the end that u desire and if not, then u keep going. . .

(wow thats my insightful and deep entry of the year. lol. i don't get many of those moments and as u can see its not even that good. lol. well ta-ta all)

wow i haven't updated in over a month! since e-roc's bday. i've just been very busy, i guess and i'm sure no one reads this anyway. lol. forgive me i'm in a rather bad mood tonite, so if i seem angry, it'll pass, just bear with me. yea so rite now i hate my life, but it'll get better. i mean i go on retreat in days and i can't wait, i sorely need a break.

well a lot has happened since novemeber 30th, too much to write in here and too much for me to remember all the details of anyway.
i finished up my semester at Nova and soon will be starting my second. i am kind of interested in what Intro to Sociology and Psych of Personality will be like but I am more then content waiting unil the 18th to find out.

school i going well, but the whole college application process has stressed me to my limits. i'm just so worried about the future because its uncertain and anything can happen. but i guess that's really what life is and that's what makes it so interesting. so let's hope that i am able to handle whatever comes my way.

tonite i'm thinking too much, i realize this and thats why i am writing rite now. i tend to over-analyze problems and make them bigger, and even if my conclusions are the complete truth, i've learned ignorance is bliss. I really don't know what to write, certain things i can't and others i will later regret. the internet is not the best place to publish too personal of opinions or information because u never know who will see it.

i just hate nights like this, because nothing seems to go ur way. times like this i begin to wonder things that normally i avoid. such as why i am so difficult to love, why can't a be more normal and relaxed, why can't i just not give a damn, why aren't i pretty enough? and so on and so forth. basically its a "pity me" nite and i want that to stop. i witnessed 2 accidents on the way home and here i am complaining because things won't go my way. its amazing how shallow a person can get sometimes. i guess we are all allowed that from time to time but it still doesn't mean i should do that.

i am very very cold rite now. its freezing in my house, anyone out there want to come warm me up?? just kidding. thats all i need now, some pedifile stalkin me online because of that lil comment. i hope this weekend turns out to be a good one because i wouldn't like to go into retreat off a bad weekend, thats all kinds of bad karma. well i guess thats about it for tonite. good nite all.

wow i can't believe how long its been since i last updated. i've been so busy time has just flown by, my senior year is on overdrive. although its kind of a two-edged sword, i want this quarter to be over because its my busiest but also the more time that passes, the less time i have with some people, but i can worry about that later.

so for recent events:
things are definitely going fairly well now. the highlight of my past couple of weeks has been being able to see GERM and STEPH numerous times. i love those two so much and seeing them or even just talking to them makes my day for months. i miss them mucho but we plan to hang out over Christmas Break, right???? lol.

the only thing that i really have to complain about is my own lack of completing college apps. i constantly remind myself that i need to get those in, but i have so much that needs to be done first that it is taking me forever to get them finished.

well there is not much to report, nothing really of interest. things are going well, relationships are cool, nothing really bothering me except my ever-growing workload. so i will check in later and hopefully update more frequently. nite lil journal, i must now finish math and bio.

so yes i was told that i do not update my journal quite enough. i am flattered someone actually kept tabs on that sort of thing, though the person who read it was a bit unexpected (ah maybe not, but still).

as my computer is still under the weather with what i believe to be the spyware virus, i must do this entry on the school's computer. too much information would need to be processed if i did it on my comp and it would inevitably freeze, which is just plain frustrating.

life is going, whether its good or not i cannot tell, its just going. i find myself pretty busy with various things, though i am becoming steadily more lazy. i really should study more, i just need to push myself. even though its senior year that doesn't give me an excuse to fall behind in my studies. motivation is not one of my stronger characteristics. but anyway, enough pep talk.

what else can i say about recent events? oh i kno, the Christmas Dance! everyone is talkin about it, debating who they are going to ask, will the person say "yes," what to wear, etc. i personally am undecided. i made a promise about it and i intend to keep it. i have one alternative candidate that i am contemplating asking, but i just don't know. i'm not even sure if i want to go, it all depends. unfortunately i will probably have to make a decision before i know for sure what's going on. ah that's life. i really do like dances though, i mean what girl wouldn't. dances are obviously geared towards girls; we are the ones who put so much work into them and anticipate them for months because they call to mind all those childhood fairytales of princes and balls. and while some goofy high school senior may not be a Prince Charming in reality, for a girl on that night (or even in general) he is. plus you have the added bonus of making urself look like a mental institution escapee (at least in my case) in front of ur classmates and dancing like a fool with your friends. it is all in good fun.

today i have driving with Mr. McLaughlin and its hell. i just want to get the whole thing over and done with. erg i just hope today someone else is with me, and i hope i get back in time to catch the bus or a ride home.

blah what else can i write. the play is going alright. we need loads more practice though and i'm a bit apprehensive about pippin's performance but hopefully when opening night comes around, things will run smoothly. i can't wait for the cast parties and senior roses. all are usually loads of fun though i don't know how it'll be without last year's seniors. i really do miss so many of them. hopefully i can see tommy and maybe germ and steph soon.

college applications are also reaching their deadlines, at least Early Action. i need to get on those as well. i also have to plan a trip to Maryland. some much to do, so little time. i'm not really worried about college itself, i think i'll choose a good one. it may not be the best but i'm sure i'll get along wherever i go. my main source of stress or sadness really, is leaving some of the people i have come to love. there are certain people in my life that i just don't want to let go and i really hope i don't have to. i intend on keeping contact even if it is long distance. but everything happens for a reason and i believe that i will be taken care of. i'm sure i'll meet wonderful people in college who fill the void left from the lost contacts with high school friends. but i want to try and keep whatever i can, as well as gain new relationships and experiences.

i guess i'm pretty much done for today. i need to go to driver's ed and then head home and finish things before i have practice. so i will talk to u all later, ta-ta.-

oh one more thing Matchbook Romance is coming and i am thrilled. so tell me who's going or who's interested cause i'm not going alone (but i am going dammit!!!) ~ta-ta